Please Reject Me Mr Doorman!

"Sorry mate, full house"

"Sorry mate, no more guys allowed"

"Sorry mate, you're not wearing a collar"

"Sorry mate, wrong shoes"

"Members only"

"No girl. NO entry"

What the hell does that mean? I know every bloke has thought of this one - "What if I'm gay and HE's my partner?" - no that doesnt work, it just makes you look like a goose.

Weiner cheese?

Now I know the fellas are feelin' me on this one... It's taken you 3 hours to round up the boys, finally head into the city & finally hit a club - only to hear what you've been anticipating all night, a randomly selected 'Rejection excuse'.

Is it me, or are these excuses getting lamer & lamer everytime? Whats the friggen deal with the "Full house" excuse when as soon as you turn your back Mr Doorman has just let in 4 of his closest buddies (who are wearing thongs & singlets) and about 15 girls. Like I understand management has the right to refuse entry, but for some reason, i just cant seem to shake the feeling that it's got something to do with the fact that I have a penis. Seriously, unless you got boobs, you got buckleys of getting in anywhere beyond 9pm.

This is one of the most frustrating things I have come to deal with. It's so very stupid. Upon the first rejection excuse, you think there is still an inkling of a chance that you are somehow going to get to boogy-on-down in that club sometime later that evening - however, you are oh so very wrong. Yet, you try your best to get in; You accept the initial rejection respectfully & depart peacefully to create the impression that you are a calm & non-threatining individual. You return several minutes later & attempt to break up the group into pairs only to receieve the second rejection line. A little agitated, you approach the door man and say "hey, would it help if i brought a girl along" he says yes, you return with a girl, he lets her in & rejects you. You then attempt to lower yourself to his level, pleading - "look, i've got nowhere else to go... I wont cause any trouble... I'm only one person... This is the 3rd time i've lined up..." etc etc. Why should we have to relinquish our dignity for the sake of gaining entry to a stupid club that you probably weren't overly impressed with in the first place? I mean it's always a let down, the hype soon dissipates within moments of entering the club anyway! It's all overrated!

If you think that sounds desperate - get this - doormen have been accepting bribes for yonks - is this the stupidest thing you've ever heard? I mean how moronic is that, its a freakin club, get over it, move along, try your luck somewhere else - a bribe will just give these doormen an even bigger power trip. Surely their ego's are inflated enough, with all the boobs they get to see throughout their evenings, they should consider themselves lucky - yet they seem to think they are on a level almost on par with the Gods of the cosmos. These choads are nothing more than a lame excuse for a penis extension. They probably dont even have a double digit IQ & their biggest claim to fame is benching 150 without a spot.

People I beg you, dont lower yourself to the level of a security guard, accept the initial answer & move along. Further attempts & bribes are totally out of the question - it just gives them a chance to have a lil fun at the expense of your embarrassment. If they reject you, let them know how you feel - whats the worst they could do to you? Refuse you entry?

Thats all.

Text Me Now!

The clock strikes 12 & you're still awake. For some odd reason you're watching random movies starring some old washed up celebs (like Chuck Norris), then theres the repetitious 'Adult' ads.

What the hell is up with the 'Sexy SMS' craze that seems to be sweeping the poor souls who have nothing better to do with their money? Wow, only $4 per 160 character message - BARGAIN!

Now I've never been one to par-take in such acts, but tell me who in their right, sane, mind would pay $4 for some stupid text? Pay me $4 and I'll write you something kinky, thats for damn sure! You're sposed to text the word 'SEXY' to some number that popped up on telly and some really hot velutuous babe is gonna reply with the 'hottest' most 'sizzling' text - PLEASE?! What could they possibly say in a text message that could turn someone on? For all you know there is most likely a computer sitting on the other end of the line replying with random messages.

I'd imagine it would go something like this...

Loser: SEXY
Hot Texter: I'm wearing fine silk pajamas
Loser: Wow, take them off :-)
Hot Texter: My loins have a yerning for you
Loser: Yeah? Can you take them off? ;-)
Hot Texter: Mayonaise is my choice, oooh, ahh :-*
Loser: What?
Hot Texter: How did you guess big boy!? Oooh Ahhh
Loser: Huh?
Hot Texter: I'm wearing fine silk pajamas

Total cost: 10 messages @ ONLY $4 each = $40 - What a bargain!

Seriously guys, what's this world coming to? 4 stinkin bucks for a few lousy letters on your mobile screen? This cannot be satisfying! Whoever's keepin these businesses out of bakruptcy needs to seek some serious help. There is NO value in this. You are losing no matter which way you want to look at it or try and justify it!!

Remember back to the days of the infamous 0055 lines? I mean they were only $3.95 per minute - now that was old skool value! None of this 160 character crap! At least you could hear a person on the other end - who cares if she was a tank!? With text you dont even know if its a woman!!

Well, it seems that as long as there is a loser out there desperate for some lovin' there'll always be some new disturbing way to get your jollies. Guys, get a life & save your wallet!

Thats all.

Crying at the Candy Bar!

Sweet yet very sour...

Me: I'll have 3 small Frozen Cokes & a pack of Starburst Gummies thanks!
Candy Bar Assistant: Okay, that comes to... $17.40 thanks!
Me: Are you sure? Did you mean $7.40? (nervous laugh) Coz' I only ordered 3 SMALL frozen cokes and some starburst lollies.
Candy Bar Assistant: Yep, thats 3 small Frozen Cokes & 1 pack of Starburst gummies - That'll be $17.40 thanks! (blank smile)
Me: Oh of course! How silly of me, here take my money, I dont want it! Yay!

What the hell is goin on here people? How do these idiots live with themselves?

Friggin $17.40?! Who pays that much for a sugar hit? Why? Thats more than it costs to see the stupid movie! Lucky I didn't order one of those so called 'value' cinema combos - I'd probably need to use "Equity mate"!

Is this even legal? Im sure if i went to the local servo the exact same order woulda come to about $9.50 - an extra $8 for 'convenience'? Screw convenience! Frankly, I reckon smuggling the goods in from outside is worth the risk! You with me?

Has anyone ever questioned these prices I wonder? Surely the ACCC is turning the blind eye here. Its all a big conspiracy I reckon. All a ploy to recover the losses made by bootlegging movies onto 'DVDs' & selling them overseas at dingey Asian black markets! For $18 I'd expect free refils on the frozen cokes and a value pack of starbursts - it's only logical, isn't it?



Take a stand people! Rebel! Turn down those lousy choc-tops & the pop-corn that chaps your lips and makes you thirsty as hell! Smuggle in happy meals, value-pack bags of party-mix lollies, 2 Litre bottles of your favourite fizz and the rest! Screw the friggin Candy Bar, I'll set up my own outlet inside the cinema itself! Hows that for convenience?!

Stinkin' Candy Bar!

Thats all.

Fat Food Fast!

It's lunchtime and you're once again contemplating what to eat. On one hand you have the healthy, yet expensive option. On the other you have the cheapo grease-fix you've been craving since yesterday. Like anyother self-satisfying individual you choose the latter, however, today there is a twist, its the 7th consecutive day that you have chosen this option. You stop and think, is this last cheeseburger going to satisfy my hunger or is it going to do something more than that... Something to my health perhaps?

Well my friends this is the dillemma I have been facing over this summer break. Uni hasnt been over a week & already I have hit cholesterol city! I feel gluggy, lethargic & greasy as hell - and lets just say, well, that I'm in great need of some Metamucil!

I work 5 days a week, out the other 2, and I can hardly remember the last time I ate lunch at home. I always seem to be galavanting about when my poor lil tummy screams out 'Rob, feed me - NOW!'. I am a uni student. I cannot afford to fork out $9.00 for a stinkin salad & a bottle of water everyday. So, the most roughage I seem to get lately is the generous slice of lettuce on my big-mac. All this hype of late, about MacDonalds and the like, seems to bring something quite eerie to my attention - perhaps the fact that I'm feeling like crap is due to the food I'm dumping into my temple.

It's never occurred to me before. Yeah fine, we have always known that Macca's aint good for ya, but has anyone really admitted that the state their health is in is due to fast food? Well my friends, it's time I step up to the plate and admit, that fast food is slowly killing me. I have become a slave to the cheap convenience of eating what I'm used to. Only now, 20 years later is my consumption of this delicacy taking it's toll on my life. I think that maybe, it's time to start valuing my health over my pocket & to start eating thoughtfully - that is, fast foods in moderation & trying my best to satisfy that thing we used to know as the food pyramid - what the hell ever happened to that?

I used to think about that whole 'health' thing, but when you get caught up in the myriad of events you call your 'life', you start to lose yourself a lil & lose track of what you're actually doing to yourself. People I urge you, look not at what it costs you to satisfy your hunger today, look at what it could cost you in the future.

I could become all American right now & try and sue all the big ass fast food companies, but the fact of the matter is, its my own fault & no one else can stop me from eating stuff thats gonna make me feel like shit.

Thats all.